


Rescue Mission From the Heavily Unqualified

by PrxbablySleeping



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Anyways, I payed zero attention to the timeline, Implied Torture, Jarvis is there, Peter gets kidnapped, Seriously like, Spidey is of age so dont be coming at me with pedofile shit, Tony is a worried dad, brain vomit basically, deadpool is a worried daddy, deadpool murders some fools but its not graphic, enjoy, its mess, lmao too far, please, they arent even in a confirmed relationship in this, what is infinty war?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-20
Updated: 2018-12-20
Packaged: 2019-09-23 11:40:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17079665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrxbablySleeping/pseuds/PrxbablySleeping
Summary: Peter goes missing, Wade goes after him.





	Rescue Mission From the Heavily Unqualified

**Author's Note:**

> I hate this so much but I need to put something out to get my foot in the door I guess. 
> 
> Also, I don't care who you view Spidey as, but he is of age in this fic. Dont be coming here with no pedofile shit.

When Spider-Man went missing, Queens noticed Peter Parker's absence first. May plastered his missing posters on every street corner and Mr. Delmar handed out a copy to every customer. Ned and MJ expressed the average amount of concern in public, but it was only when they were alone that they dug through Peter's things and contacted every Avenger they could to get information. 

Tony was a mess. The man would have thrown money at anyone who even suggested they might be able to find him if it wouldn't have completely given away Peter's identity. Instead he obsessed in his lab, trying to recover Karen, the poor damaged AI, to get his hands on the suits footage. Of course, since Tony was panicking, the rest of the avengers were on their toes as well.

The last one anyone expected to be concerned for the spider's well-being was Wade Wilson. The Merc with a Mouth would tell anyone that asked that it was just a slow couple of months, he needed something to do and people to kill. Only he knew how much the college student had grown on him. 

When Tony had first found out that Peter often ran into Deadpool on late night patrols, he tried to set an early curfew. Peter retaliated by offering to give back the suit in favor of his old pajamas, so Tony settled with keeping an extra eye on the baby monitor protocol. Wade, however, had so far not given a reason for Peter to stay away. When Pete was around he would refrain from killing until he was sure the little spider was out of range, and he often saved his ass in battles with petty crooks. 

Once again, he needed something to do. 

His new found activity of trying to track down the hero was much more stress inducing than any run of the mill thief. He had managed to get Tony to cooperate with him once he explained that he had every intention if un-aliving any and all of the bastards that decided to kidnap Spider-Man.

The Merc had found answers in the form of quite possibly the biggest bitch-baby he had ever met. In a sketchy apartment building lived a man with a name he could only pronounce if he was being waterboarded and an accent that sounded so familiar, it was on the tip of his tongue. He managed to pull an address from the blubbering mess of a man before painting the wall behind him with brain juice. This guy was one of the people that took his poor baby boy, he wouldn't be given mercy.

He left a sticky note in place of one of Tony Starks jets, promising to 'bring it back' and asking if he's ever heard an accent that pronounces their R's kinda funny, and set off to the tundra that was mid-Siberia. With no knowledge on how to fly a jet, Deadpool made a mental note to offer a polite handy to Stark for installing an autopilot that followed the GPS. Eye contact not included. 

Multiple naps, minor injuries, and nosing around later, the jet autolanded about half a mile away from the base. 

"I'm sorry, do you expect me to walk my happy ass the rest of the way?" Wade asked incredulously.

"Any closer and the alarms will alert the soldiers to the jet, sir. To remain undected, I would advise continuing on foot," the robotic voice drones back, having a tone that Wade had only ever heard in movies where AI's take over the world. 

Deadpool grumbled and pressed the button to open the door to the outside, only to be met with biting wind.

"Fuck! Okay then, any idea how I can not lose limbs? I would like to save my baby boy without hypothermia."

"Thermal regulating clothing is located in the storage componant marked with blue paint, sir."

"Perfect! Thanks Jeeves!" Wade marched through the door towards the bay. 

"My name is Jarvis, sir," but it fell on deaf ears. 

Deadpool bundled himself in as many layers of clothes as he could as quickly as he could before once again attempting to step out into the bitchy weather of Siberia, cursing the bastards not only for taking Spidey, but also for picking such a chilly location. Why did no evil organizations operate in a beach house in California? 

The walk was grueling and once the shadow of the base had finally come into view Wade had definitally lost feeling in at least six of his toes and two of his fingers, plus his nose. The thermal gear was good, but no person is meant to walk half a mile in below freezing weather. Wade had been through worse before, though. After years of this immortal bullshit he knew how to keep balance on his feet no matter how many toes he had and he had fought with less than two fingers before, and it's not like he could use his nose to kill a man anyways. 

Actually, that would be pretty fun to try. 

The base was rather small compared to what Wade expected, but nonetheless two men in heavy black winter gear stood guard by what he assumed to be the main entrance. Deadpool wasn't much for stealth and the baron, snowy landscape didn't do him any favors, but he didn't quite know what he was up against so he opted to try his best to remain undetected. 

It took a while to sneak around the building without getting too close for the hardasses to see him, but once he did he noticed that was likely the only entrance he would be able to get through. With no watching eyes or cameras that he could see (though there were likely some hanging close) the merc crept closer to the building while still keeping a good 20 feet between him and the wall. He tested for any kind of over sensitive alarm by whipping a large snowball at the wall before quickly scaling it to the roof. 

He made his way back to where the guards were, swords drawn. 

"Ennie, meanie, miney-" he dropped from the roof on top of one of the men, shoving the blade through his skull, "-peek-a-boo!"

Before the second man could say anything, he treated him to the same death. To add insult to injury, he decided on the need for a disguise and stripped him of his uniform. Wade pulled most if it over his suit, but forgoed his mask, figuring his scarred face would be less noticable. He was able to cover most of it with the mouth guard and hat the man was wearing, anyways. He noticed sheaths on the back of the armor and hoped that meant visible swords were a normal weapon to see around here. 

A security pad was attached to the wall left of the intimidating titanium door, with a green message asking for identification. He dug through the partially naked man's pockets and pulled out a dark card with his picture and words that looked like hyroglyphs. The machine beeped and then requested a 'rhetna scan'. Wade looked at the same man and knelt down. 

"You're not gonna miss this, right?" He asked before delicately ripping a rather pretty blue eye out of his head and holding it up to the scanner. 

"Identification confirmed," an electronic voice chimed back at him before the door scraped open. 

Deadpool entered quietly with his guns drawn, prepared for a fight, only to the met with a concrete, completely empty room. 

"You fuckers are boring," he groaned as the door slid back shut. 

A hallway branched off from the room and it took minimal walking to come to yet another titanium door with a key pad next to it. 

"Mother fucking, fuck you!" He kicked the door in a minor fit of rage, only to immediately regret it and clutch his abused foot. The boots the uniform provided appeared to not help much in terms of protection. 

Between his curses and exclamations of pain, he faintly heard what sounded like heavy footsteps coming up a staircase from the other side. He pressed himself against the wall as he heard buttons being pressed, and then the door swinging open. 

A man that looked almost identical to the ones outside stepped through with his gun drawn, though Wade gave him no chance to shoot. His head rolled from his body and Wade quickly slid through the door before it shut, descending the staircase. 

He understood then why the upper building appeared so small and empty inside, because the underground part was probably the size of a military base. Once again, no one was around to greet him and this time there were multiple different hallways he could pick from. As he was deciding, he heard a group of men chattering in the same accent that was wracking his brain as they walked down the one on his far right. Three men in lab coats, accompanied by two guards, shuffled along while discussing the findings from their newest 'subject'. Wade assumed they were talking about Peter, and yet hoped it wasn't him they were poking and prodding. 

He exchanged a stiff nod with the guards as they led the scientists up the way he came, and he started down the hallway.

It took little time to reach another staircase and a more active room. Yet another group of scientists gathered together, talking over each other about research and tests and many of the armored men were littered around, not speaking at all. Two armed guards stood by another reinforced door, yet this time he could see into the room. 

Peter, sans his suit and most clothing except for what is best described as discount hospital gown, sat limply in a steel chair as more of the lab-coat clad men gathered around a table. The only way he could tell Peter was still alive was the heavy rise and fall if his back as he breathed. One old, white-coat-wearing fuck motioned to the group standing outside the glass room, the one Wade was near, and they skittered along to the guards, muttering a flhemy sounding word and typing a code into the keypad when they stepped aside. Wade zeroed in on all of this, repeating the word and code in his head before facing the guards himself after a few minutes. 

"Pautina"

The men stepped aside and Deadpool tapped the code into the key pad. The door pushed open, and he stepped through. 

Now, Wade could see every little cut and bruise on Peter's body. Fresh and dried blood stained the gown, his hair was matted, and his skin looked almost grey. He didn't think twice about remaining undercover before he turned around and ripped the keypad off of his side of the door, short circuiting the whole thing and causing almost immediate mass panic. 

He made quick work of the scientists. They held no weapons to defend themselves, killing them was more cathartic than it was helpful. He heard the guards on the other side shooting the bulletproof glass and pounding against the door. Figuring he didn't have much time, he rushed to Peter. 

At his touch, Pete flinched away before Deadpool raised his head with his hands and pulled down the mouth guard, "come with me if you want to live."

"Fuck... you..." Peter seemed to sigh in relief. 

Wade cut through his wrist restraints. They must have been injecting him with something to keep his powers dormant because in any other scenario, Pete would have broken through those measly things like they were dental floss. He covered him with the armor Wade had been using as a disguise and pulles the weak man up on his back just in time for the soldiers to bust through the door. 

With limited ability to spring around with the injured spider on his back, Wade was hit more than he liked to admit. However, he stayed shooting and slicing. One of the men raced up the stairs, possibly to get reinforcement but hopefully to hide. Peter remained unharmed as he cleaned up the rest of the people in the room, their blood and brain matter making a mosaic on the previously sterile glass.

He followed the same path he used to get to Peter, running into enough armed soldiers to confirm that the other man had, in fact, run for reinforcements. Wade flinched when a bullet caught Peter in the knee and he yelled in pain. Deadpool took extra care to assure that not even the dental records of the owner of the bullet would be able to identify him.

When he made it outside, he was faced with the fear of the long trek back to the stolen jet. Only to find a much larger one waiting right in front of the base. Tony Stark rushed out, followed by a handful of medics that quickly retrieved Peter. 

"How did you know where we were?" Wade asked as they paced back to the jet. 

"You stole my jet, dipshit! Did you think it didn't have a tracker?" Tont fumed, though Wade was sure it was less about his property and more of the stress of what happened to Peter. 

They stepped on the jet and as the medics rushed about, hooking peter up to machines, Deadpool crippled to the ground. 

When he awoke, he was stationed in a starchy bed feeling much grosser than when he had collapsed. It took little time to determine he had likely died from one, or multiple, of his injuries. 

"Morning," a chipper voice came from beside him. 

His vision adjusted and he saw Peter, looking marginally better than when he had found him. Wade panicked for a moment before he realized his suit, bullet holes and all, was safely clinging to him. Including his mask. Peter had seen his face before, they'd had their dramatic reveals. That didn't mean he like showing off his scars to anyone and everyone that came by.

"Relax. Mr. Stark put your mask back on like, a minute after you passed out. The nurses started freaking out about you dying of blood loss before he told him that you do that sometimes."

"Remind me to give him a polite handjob, eye contact definitally included," Wade chirped as Peter grimaced. "How're you feeling, baby boy?"

"Dont call me that," Peter glared. "I'm fine, a lot better at least. That stupid crap that kept my healing down wore off after only a few hours and everything else was mostly letting stuff heal."

"Who the hell were those guys?"

Peter sighed, "from what I know, they're some lower level of Hydra. A group of rookies pretty much that wanted to make the big guys proud of them. They were trying to extract something from me that would essentially make a super soldier serum, but spider themed I guess."

Wade paused. "That's the stupidest fucking thing I've ever heard. Who the hell came up with that?"

"Some asshole with too much time on their hands," peter hummed. 

The two sat in silence for a moment before Deadpool dug in his suit pocket. 

"Hey Petey?"

"Yeah, Wade?"

"Catch."

Another moment of silence. 

"Wade, what am I holding right now?"

"An eyeball!"

"YOURE DISGUSTING," Peter yelled as he flung the eyeball across the room. 

"I want my entire apartment to be that color blue!"


End file.
